I, independently, checked myself in and out of the hospital, alone.

 I figured I live alone so I should probably be doing this alone. I mean it wasn't that far and it was just going to be 2 nights with a minor procedure and some tests, it would be like a mini-vacation where they serve me food. Sounds easy enough to do alone. However, laying there I wondered why did I feel like I had to do this alone? Why did I feel like I would be inconveniencing someone if I asked them to just be with me on this journey? 

I watched other patients get visitations from friends and family, I just couldn't bring myself to pick up my phone and ask a friend for a visit. Currently, in level 1&2 of lockdown in South Africa, the hospital was allowing patients, one visitor, at a time. I have people in my life that would visit me, I think, but what would I say? I came here willingly for some tests to confirm that I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome which I already know and I feel a bit sorry for myself even though I have a brave face on. Honestly, it was a shitty experience pun intended. They gave me laxatives to empty my bowels so that they could shove a camera you know, up there. 

It asn't fun and being there for just a small 30 minute theater procedure meant you weren't high up on the priotrity list when it came to patient care. My IV bag kept running empty and being left that way which meant my IV tube filled with blood and clogged the entire line. This lead to my IV having to be inserted 3 different occasions, I look like I have been in a close range paintball match. Coming out of anthestetic even though it was light sedation made me feel groggy AF and lonely, I just needed someone there to tell me everything was going to be okay. 

I wanted to feel some love and I was the reason there wasn't any love around. I felt like I didn't deserve people taking time out of their day to just physically check in on me to make sure I was doing OK. I didn't even give the people in my life the chance to pitch up for me, I decided that they wouldn't. I keep them at arms length because what if they don't pitch up?

Lying there listening to people chat to their loved ones I realised that what if someone did pitch up for me? I was so scared of "rejection" that I was hurting myself in the process. I had to start believing that by me being there for the good people in my life when they need me that they would be there for me too. 

Choosing to invest in friendships that are upbuilding and positive has been a challenging journey for me because in my mind I am "independent" and don't need people. The biggest lesson I learnt in hospital was that being independent doesn't mean doing everything alone but rather being able to discern when its OK to ask someone to hold your hand when you're feeling a bit scared. Independence for me is knowing what I have to do, getting it done and asking for help when I know it will make me a better person. 

So life lesson, if you have done the ground work of having good, honest, positive people in your life allow them to show up for you. Allow yourself to ask someone to just be there with you. 

You are worth it.